Disclaimer: This post contains mature humor and not suitable for children and adults whose only worries are tax returns, temple darshan queues and sleepless nights caused by their kid’s indigestion.
I have been putting aside this post for many months now for fear of sounding like a feminist bordering on misandry. Or sounding like girls whose only topics are men who are behind their life. And to bring myself to be to able to write about the CreepZilla encounters was hard.
Its ironical how I survived the first 26 years of my life without any encounters with members of the Creepzilla. All these days I didnt look like a woman to the universe, or what. Probably, I was more sheltered or always had company or…was lucky to be safe. It’s both good and bad to have been safe for the majority portion of my life. Though I guess some learning curve in the younger years would have made me much more street smart to handle the creepmafia today. Nevertheless, the inevitable exposure to the real bad world and survival learning curve was bound to happen.
I am going to get into the episodes very soon, meanwhile I propose an invention in association with the Dindigul Lock Manufacturers Cooperative Society.
This invention might both save marriages, save girls and also sustain the traditional hand made lock industry. It’s called the Chastity Lock. At the time of marriage, while the wife get the mangal sutra, the husband gets the lock and the wife gets the key. Under no circumcisions circumstances , can the key be used by any one else but the wife.
While the beta version of the lock might find solutions for husbands who manage to get away with, “Honey, you trust me right? Could you please unlock me for two days?”
No further explanations till a patent has been registered, so …moving on.
In Chronological order, presenting the CreepZillas–
Class A consists of – Creeps at Distance- the ones who look, stare, do weird things, mostly to themselves.
A1. The Flash.
I have first heard about the Flash from my roommate (circa. 2011). While she was walking on the street or sitting in a local train, members of the Flash just pull up their car or stand in front (when the rest of the train bogey is empty) , and do their ritual- display of balls of gold at women. I have absolutely NO IDEA what kick they get out of it, because I am positive no woman went up and reacted like the model in Manforce advertisements.
A2. The Stare Creeperson.
The is the most common, ordinary class of the Creepzilla. I am thankful to God for my absent mindedness, to technology for earphones and music – I tend to hardly ever notice this. The times I do, the first thought that crosses my mind is whether *I* am looking weird to catch attention? Should I not be here on my own? Thank you, Indian society and media for making an educated woman think that she is responsible for crimes against women. With all the logical reasoning that goes inside my head, I almost never end up doing something about it.
The Shaggy and the Flash come together or act in isolation, either way, the only solution I have figured till now and yet to implement (because my reflexes aren’t like Spiderman or Flash), is to capture on video these idiots in action and upload it on whichever site whose audience is amused by American_Pie_without_the_Pie.
You know how the minds of women work when we are actually in such situations. While we do strongly believe in standing up for ourselves, attend self defense classes, etc most days we are just dragging ourselves back home after a tiring day at work. We are usually listening to music, thinking about the sale at Vera Moda or fantasizing about balance left in the bank account. And suddenly when we encounter a Creepzilla, our minds and emotions get into a meeting room and emerge out like most successful management discussions- with no decision taken.
While our emotions want to exercise our imaginary Karate skills and unleash classic Kollywood dialogues like “don’t you have sisters/mothers?”, our educated minds begin to think about our laws and rights and then the part of our mind that is corrupted by society begins to wonder if we could have prevented all this happening to us by wearing the mighty Indian invention, the most powerful armor for desi women- the Dupatta
I currently have a senior Class A (all types) Creepzilla neighbor- Mr. Jerky Von
Winkle Uncle. This uncle is always watching TV sitting right at his doorstep.
His head turns the minute we walk into our balcony or pass by our window. Like I mentioned before, I am absent minded. I am also nearsighted. A recent condition and hence wearing glasses isn’t something I am used to. I can’t tell you how relieved I am to come home and throw the glasses away and walk around the house, just mildly blind. Therefore, for many months I never noticed Mr Jerky Von Uncle staring at my balcony. Till one day I was told about it by my flatmate. “Don’t be silly now, people aren’t staring at us”, I told her as I picked up my specs. With my corrected vision I looked through to see the Uncle standing at his gate looking right at my apartment and do the Flash, Shaggy and Creeperson class rituals all together.
Obviously I was shocked. And like all other ordinary girls, my mind skipped through pages in my mental directory at an Enthiran Chitti speed – on what was the right thing to do, on women’s rights, action scenes from movies, sale at Vera Moda, how that Tinder guy could have so saved my life now, could I have prevented this if I wore a burqa instead of nightie, the Facebook share about some brave girl who did some kickass thing and taught these creeps a lesson, ……. etc. After all that one second analysis, I did the bravest thing I have done to date- closed the balcony door and shut myself from the freedom of fresh air and posted about my brave act on Twitter to be consoled by people I’ve never met.
Class B- CreepMafia – This class of Creepzillas are dangerous and have the nerve to touch, speak directly to us or to molest.
B1. The Bus Creep- On an overnight bus trip, a guy tried some cheesy dialogues and pretending to talk to his friend about me. In his conversation to his friend, he told him that he was planning to make sure I get down with him at the end of the journey and some other rubbish dialogues. I pretended to sleep and magnanimously forgive him. And a few minutes into the journey he had the nerve to touch my hair while describing me to his friend on the call. I must say he was dumb to attempt his assholery in an overnight bus. I caused a ruckus. While the transport staff managed to hit and warn him, I worried, what if he gets down where I do and throws acid at my face? I asked transport staff to kick him out or give me another bus. (In the middle of the night, in some random highway halt, we waited for an hour for another bus by the same company in which I got a seat and left. This is perhaps the only successful Creepzilla combat. But you know the everyday city bus creeps…. they are just lurking around everywhere.
B2. The Bike Molester – While walking down the road, a bike rider will ride by so fast with his hands held out and do the BoobAttack. At that speed and if you didn’t quite see it coming, it comes as a hard thud on the chest and can knock you down, or not, either way painful. There is no time to see who did it, what was the number plate, etc. My friend recalled her experience in Delhi, a group of bikers circled her and she just quietly stood there. She said it is better to let them have their way and go away silently than to create a worse and make them kidnap and do something worse.
This experience makes me instinctively use my huge Woodland bag as a shield against any biker who drives by. Some of them are perhaps just avoiding a road bump or speedbreaker or a pothole but I have often spontaneously flung my bag at passing innocent motorbike rider assuming he might be a creepzilla.
B3. EveTease Creepstein– I missed to mention one thing. Long before nearsightedness, my school friends used to call me deaf and dumb. Then, my college friends also called me deaf. I finally got it tested and turns out I am perfectly normal. A recent experience makes me want to go for check up again.
Another bike mafia parked right next to me and passed lewd comments. You know whats worse than not being to do anything about it? To not be able to hear it!! For a long time I kept looking at them wondering why are they looking at me. I even went up to them and to ask, “Sorry I couldn’t hear you” but they fled away but kept looking back at me. And then I stood there for a while wondering why he said something that sounded like you have nice groups. What groups? Or was it troops? loops? I am standing here alone. There is absolutely nobody here but me. Like literally …..
<Ding> The bell struck! Oh goatshit!! I am so very deaf and dumb!
B4. The Invader-
Last Friday someone had the nerve to slide his hand through the window into our apartment that is NOT on the ground floor. At four AM, someone took the effort to climb up the pipes and hang on to the window grills and slip his hand . My flat mate was semi awake and got up but he jumped and fled away. I’m pretty sure it is not Mr. Jerky Von Uncle above considering his weight.
Now this is what finally got me around to writing this post. By now you’d have figured the best thing I can do about a small thing that happened is to tweet and big thing that happened is to blog about it. To tell about it to a couple of friends and hear if they’ve had this happening to them too or was I doing something wrong? Would this have NOT happened if we were married ? Or did we dress provocatively? Maybe I should wear a bindi and look traditional. You notice how our minds have conditioned to believe that a woman is responsible for things happening to her ? I did not mean to say they are solutions, I meant that our minds are often analyzing why this happens to us, subconsciously making us to believe we are responsible.
I’m sure there are many more graduates from the Indian Institute of Molestation I am unaware of, but the Creepzilla, guys, is real. They are not fantasy stories we imagine in our head. And the only progress we have made against this is honestly NOTHING.
Before I conclude, I leave you with a link to buy pepperspray for I have no better suggestion or solution myself. Guys buy one for your lady friends and ladies buy for yourselves.
And to the kids who read up to here despite the disclaimer, I repeat what I preach to kids though I do not always practice “99% of the time you are safe. But 100% of the time you are being watched. Stay safe.”